All week I kept telling myself and others, "Stay positive, God has everything in control, everything happens for a reason, dream big and great things will happen. But, now I realize I wasn't listening to their pain. I was covering it up with quick answers and moving on through my day. So, I need to apologize to all those who have e-mailed me or called me and due to a stupid list of "To Do's" I responded quickly and moved on with my day.
Yesterday everything came crumbling down!
I had a conflict with one of my closest friends for the first time ever. And honestly, I didn't even see it coming! I'm sure it was because I was blindly rushing through my day not taking time to listen.
Then I had several deadlines to meet and only accomplished 1/4 of what was expected. By the end of the day I realized my daughter needed me to finish up some of her Senior Year necessities and the deadline was yesterday. But, because I was trying to juggle too many tasks at once, the most important task that needed to be top on my list...was pushed down and I only accomplished 1/2 of what she needed. I am so thankful for her soft, forgiving spirit and the gifts that God gave her of knowing how to make everything work no matter how impossible it may seem. She got on the phone and was able to request an extension until 11:30 today. So, I put that task on the top of my list...then told my 12 year-old that we would have girls night tonight and the phone and the computer would be turned off!
As I write I hope you are getting the idea of how crazy my life has been. But, no matter how much I cried out to God yesterday and blamed Him for everything. The reality is I didn't take time to listen to even Him. So this morning I knew I needed to stop the world and step off! I finally sat with God and listened. What I heard Him say was what I have heard so many times when my life gets out of control, "Diana, it's ok my child, I know you are hurting. You don't have to be strong with me. Come lay in my arms my child and let the tears flow. Let me take care of the rest." I finally gave him the list of failed tasks and the people I have hurt while trying to accomplish it all. At this point I finally realized that the list was written to somehow control the feelings I had inside me. The tears fell for all the pain that I have seen over the last couple of weeks! I finally stopped rushing around controlling every move I make....I finally sobbed for all the lives lost in Haiti :( And began praying for the country that has lost so much and prayed for God to hold them tightly in His arms!
For all the individuals who sent me e-mails and texts saying:
*I don't have a job any more!
*Where do I go from here?
*My husband just left and now I have children to raise alone!
*The court took away my children and I need your help!
*My child's sick and I don't know what to do!
*Or worse, I'm sick and I don't know what's wrong?....
*And the most common e-mail is,"Is the world ending? I see disaster all over! Isn't that signs of the end times?"
I humbly tell you that these are all questions that I cannot answer. But,know who can! I did the most important task of all..which is give every ones fears and pain to God.
As the tears are falling with each word I type, I hand one by one each of the burdens I have carried throughout the week over to God. After I finished sobbing and praying to God this morning, I opened my e-mail and finished the last of my tasks for the week. I decided the weekend would be set aside for family and God.
In one of the e-mails a good friend Teresa Weesner sent me this devotional. I hope you get as much out of this as I did =)
Road of Life
At first, I saw God as my observer, my judge, keeping track of the things I did wrong, so as to know whether I merited heaven or hell when I die. He was out there, sort of like a president. I recognized His picture when I saw it, but I really didn't know Him.
But later on when I met Christ, it seemed as though life were rather like a bike ride, but it was a tandem bike. and I noticed that Christ was in the back helping me pedal.
I don't know just when it was that He suggested we changed places, but life has not been the same since. When I had control. I knew the way. It was rather boring, but predictable...It was the shortest distance between two points. But when He took the lead, He knew delightful long cuts, up mountains, and through rocky places at breakneck speeds, it was all I could do to hang on!! Even though it looked like madness, He said, "Pedal!"
I worried and was anxious and asked, "Where are you taking me?" He laughed and didn't answer, and I started to learn to trust. I forgot my boring life and entered into the adventure. And when I'd say, "I'm scared," He'd lean back and touch my hand. He took me to people with gifts that I needed, gifts of healing, acceptance and joy. They gave me their gifts to take on my journey, my Lord's and mine. And we were off again. He said, "Give the gifts away; they're extra baggage, too much weight." So I did, to the people we met, and I found that in giving I received, and still our burden was light.
I did not trust Him, at first, in control of my life. I thought He'd wreck it; but He knows bike secrets, knows how to make it bend to take sharp corners, jumps to clear high rocks, fly to shorten scary passages. And I am learning to shut up and pedal in the strangest places, and I'm beginning to enjoy the cool breeze on my face with my delightful constant companion, Christ. And when I'm sure I just can't do anymore, He just smiles and says..."Pedal."
I think the Author is God =)
God bless and have a wonderful weekend!