Monday, November 13, 2006

Unseen Child

Today was such a difficult day! I'm so glad it's almost over!! Have you ever felt like you just can't keep it together no matter what you do and you have no idea why? Well, that was me all day. I found myself crying from the time my supervisor spoke with me this morning until now.. I finally have a minute to just sit and reflect on my day. I look back and it feels like it must be someone else hurting...It just can't be me!!! Then I get angry and think,"Why would I let someone get to me so deeply?" Then I realize that my biggest fear is that I will never be able to keep up with the rest of the world ever again....I just feel like I am absolutely stupid!!! I hate the fact that I had brain surgery and things that come so easily to others...well needless to say...they just don't come easy to me!!! I wonder if I will ever gain the ability to just learn like everyone else. I always need to be told repeatedly...and then write every word down...then hopefully I will absorb the information....But, sometimes the information just doesn't seem to stay...My supervisor said that she needs me to be rested so that I will hear the information clearly....she doesn't want to repeat herself....Those words were devistating to me!!! I fell apart and have not really stopped crying since!! It isn't the supervisors fault...It really isn't anyones fault that I struggle...It is something that I will always have to battle. This is the reason why I didn't go back to work for so long. The fear that I may not ever gain my memory has haunted me for years. And I have to face it. I have to accept the fact that things are more difficult for me...that maybe I am handicapped...I don't know...I do know that for today...I am totally exhausted...The good thing about today is that I have faced my biggest fear and lived to write about it. I will check in tomorrow...I am just too discouraged.....

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