My secrets keep pushing me into a world only I know, and cause me to feel like a shadow forced to wear a mask.

Here is an excerpt from my book. Perhaps this will help others understand me. And give you an idea of the confusion I experience at times. My daughter found this picture and I decided to add it to my words. This is a picture of all the many people who died on September 11. Note, this is how my book begins. Only by acknowledgment can one find healing.

It was 3:00 am, the morning of nine-eleven-two thousand three. The flashing lights from my clock lit the room. It was too early to be awake, a heavy sick feeling rested in my stomach. Was it the memory of my husband’s family, and the friends they lost this day, two years ago...? Or could it be that this day held something even more frightening…? My mind drifted back… My husband was born and raised in New York before he began his trip out west to attend Bible College. It was there we met, in the early 1980’s, and were married shortly after. The mid-west would become our home, but New York City was where my new family lived. After twenty years I felt like I was part of this large family and New York was my favorite visiting place, with so much love and happy memories. Every visit meant that incredible view of the Twin Towers from my in-laws window. The view shared so many people on their way to work everyday, each with a different face, and a different story to tell. The morning of the attack seemed like any other morning. I was in my home switching the channels on the television when, in a flash, fear filled the air. A plane had hit one of the towers, and within minutes, another plane went soaring through its twin. Instantly, a blanket of confusion and grief covered the United States. Knowing that my brother-in-law worked as a New York City police officer, the reality that his life could be in danger was causing my family to panic. He managed a brief phone call assuring us that he was alive, but as the phone went dead seconds later, I felt myself slipping. I was losing all my happy memories and the only past I had chosen to tell my children. As the day went by, it felt like weeks. Once again, death was only moments away from those I love. The day America lost so many lives reminded me of my loss also, the loss of my own childhood and the reality of the dark cavity resting within me. I was no longer able to forget my childhood and to tell only the stories of my life in New York City. Now, this incredible city would be another tragedy from which I must run. As I lay in bed, I closed my eyes tightly and curled up, wanting to forget about the huge dark cloud and the belief that there was nowhere to hide from danger. It would become impossible to escape from the flashbacks of my past. I slowly pulled the covers up over my head and tried to return to sleep. Soon enough, the alarm clock went off and my day began like every other. My secrets keep pushing me into a world only I know, and cause me to feel like a shadow forced to wear a mask. I drag myself out of bed, the darkness ever-present around me. Which mask should I wear today? Mother? Wife? Or one of the many other masks I have stored away? I turn on the light and step onto the stage we all call life..... I no longer wear a mask....but, the pain is still very real. In the past the very mention of this war brought anxiety.

Through the writing of this book I have found the courage to stand tall and acknowledge that September 11 triggered all the many losses I experienced in my childhood. The war is not only between countries, but, a battle within each of us. We need to face our past and quit fighting it. Blogging is an important process of healing for me therefore I feel the need to let you know that I write in first person. I am not a victim....I am one who has the strength to tell what is...even if it makes others uncomfortable. Only by acknowledging your past can you give it to God and find healing!!! If you have an elephant in the closet, do you pretend it's not there? Or do you let it out and see it for what it is? BTW The longer the elephant is in the closet the bigger it gets!!! I challenge you to search yourself and find out what September 11 means to you! Acknowledge the lost ones who have died, and the lost child within yourself.

Josiah's girlfriend Abby!

Well... here is my first born son "Josiah". We had a birthday party for yet another Albertsen on Sunday. It was Nicoles 15 birthday. Her birthday party will be in the next post:) In our family every birthday is like Christmas. Not because of all the gifts, but because a birthday is a reason for us all to come together and have fun:) So, this Saturday I did my usual. I called everyone the day before. You mothers know what I'm talking about. The mothers gentle reminder, "Are you coming to the party? You know she is really counting on you being there. If you don't come she will be devistated" BTW... When all else fails use Mom's guilt!! It always works! LOL So...like always I was successful in bringing the family together for yet another birthday! I know you are probably thinking, "So what does Josiah have to do with this post? Get on with the story woman!" We try and do something fun with each get together. This weekend we played UNO. It is a wonderful card game that requires alot of yelling in order to win. Guess what? I won 1 game:) Tee Hee! But...this woman here won 2!!! The young woman is my sons girlfriend Abby. She was actually brave enough to enter our loud, crazy and out of control home. Children were running everywhere!! I had to laugh to myself as I heard Josiah whisper to Abby, "My family..yeah..well it can be crazy around here..." What he really meant was, "Say the word and we are out of here!" LOL Abby stayed and we all had a blast! She is awesome and welcome into our home anytime:)
Here is Josiah, Abby, and Smiggen (the dog). BTW again..Savannah told me how to spell the dogs name:) Stay tuned for Nicoles birthday party in the next post!!

Okay! Okay! I promise I will stop...just one more post....

There are many signs you need to watch out for that could mean you are yet another surf junkie addicted to the internet...
You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com You turn off your modem and get this empty feeling, like you just pulled the pin on a loved one. You start introducing yourself as "Jon at AOL dot com" Your wife drapes a blonde wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like. All of your friends have an @ in their names. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box. You laugh at people with 14,400 baud modems. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. You tell the cab driver you live at http://69.luck.street/house/bluetrim.html Your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed." You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a commode. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :^) You turn on your computer, and turn off your spouse. Your best friend is someone you've never met. Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer, and install a second phone line so you can chat. You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited." Your dog has its own home page.....

Buddy@Albertsen.com

The difference between a man & a woman....

The differences between how a woman and a man uses a drive-through banking machine. Here is his and hers ATM usage explained...
HIS
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt

HER
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake

Life is soooo RUFF!!!!

If I don't start to get more hours at work this will be me and my dogs...cats...husband...kids...grandkids...and so on....LOL