Friday, September 08, 2006

My secrets keep pushing me into a world only I know, and cause me to feel like a shadow forced to wear a mask.

Here is an excerpt from my book. Perhaps this will help others understand me. And give you an idea of the confusion I experience at times. My daughter found this picture and I decided to add it to my words. This is a picture of all the many people who died on September 11. Note, this is how my book begins. Only by acknowledgment can one find healing.

It was 3:00 am, the morning of nine-eleven-two thousand three. The flashing lights from my clock lit the room. It was too early to be awake, a heavy sick feeling rested in my stomach. Was it the memory of my husband’s family, and the friends they lost this day, two years ago...? Or could it be that this day held something even more frightening…? My mind drifted back… My husband was born and raised in New York before he began his trip out west to attend Bible College. It was there we met, in the early 1980’s, and were married shortly after. The mid-west would become our home, but New York City was where my new family lived. After twenty years I felt like I was part of this large family and New York was my favorite visiting place, with so much love and happy memories. Every visit meant that incredible view of the Twin Towers from my in-laws window. The view shared so many people on their way to work everyday, each with a different face, and a different story to tell. The morning of the attack seemed like any other morning. I was in my home switching the channels on the television when, in a flash, fear filled the air. A plane had hit one of the towers, and within minutes, another plane went soaring through its twin. Instantly, a blanket of confusion and grief covered the United States. Knowing that my brother-in-law worked as a New York City police officer, the reality that his life could be in danger was causing my family to panic. He managed a brief phone call assuring us that he was alive, but as the phone went dead seconds later, I felt myself slipping. I was losing all my happy memories and the only past I had chosen to tell my children. As the day went by, it felt like weeks. Once again, death was only moments away from those I love. The day America lost so many lives reminded me of my loss also, the loss of my own childhood and the reality of the dark cavity resting within me. I was no longer able to forget my childhood and to tell only the stories of my life in New York City. Now, this incredible city would be another tragedy from which I must run. As I lay in bed, I closed my eyes tightly and curled up, wanting to forget about the huge dark cloud and the belief that there was nowhere to hide from danger. It would become impossible to escape from the flashbacks of my past. I slowly pulled the covers up over my head and tried to return to sleep. Soon enough, the alarm clock went off and my day began like every other. My secrets keep pushing me into a world only I know, and cause me to feel like a shadow forced to wear a mask. I drag myself out of bed, the darkness ever-present around me. Which mask should I wear today? Mother? Wife? Or one of the many other masks I have stored away? I turn on the light and step onto the stage we all call life..... I no longer wear a mask....but, the pain is still very real. In the past the very mention of this war brought anxiety.

Through the writing of this book I have found the courage to stand tall and acknowledge that September 11 triggered all the many losses I experienced in my childhood. The war is not only between countries, but, a battle within each of us. We need to face our past and quit fighting it. Blogging is an important process of healing for me therefore I feel the need to let you know that I write in first person. I am not a victim....I am one who has the strength to tell what is...even if it makes others uncomfortable. Only by acknowledging your past can you give it to God and find healing!!! If you have an elephant in the closet, do you pretend it's not there? Or do you let it out and see it for what it is? BTW The longer the elephant is in the closet the bigger it gets!!! I challenge you to search yourself and find out what September 11 means to you! Acknowledge the lost ones who have died, and the lost child within yourself.


Anonymous said...

My heart breaks everytime I read that excerpt. You're right, September 11 means something to everyone. Whether it is as life-changing as your situation, or whether it is the day that changed the world forever.
I agree, everyone needs to take the time to seek within themselves the meaning behind that day.
I will have to take some time to ponder this weekend.
Thank you for your honesty and sharing your journey. It is making a difference.
I will try and call you this weekend. My house is full tomorrow, but Sunday after church....

Karin said...

You must have gone through hell dear ... I can understand you very well! The deep sadness you feel and from which you want to get out oif, only one who "was there" can grasp ... who "was there", and is still alive!
I am sending you a BIG BIG HUG .. I know the coming few days won't be easy for you!
You are very couraged ... and you're doing the right thing!!

Diana Joy said...

Hi S!
I have been sitting here trying to do the next post:( I have just been sitting and crying! I need to continue to write about the feelings...but OMGosh!! It is sooo hard. Keep praying for me! I know this is what God wants. And what I need! So, thanks for always understanding me:)
God bless you S..

Diana Joy said...

Hi Karin!
Thanks for dropping by:) I know it has only been a few days...but, it feels like weeks!!
Yes...this is a painful time for me...just as it is for 1,000's of others. Pray that those who read this post will realize it is not a political post...but, a dedication to all those who have lost soooo much in just a few minutes of time?...

Anonymous said...

Just a quick word to brighten a moment in the midst of all the memories. Tonight, we had a visit from the fire can read about it tomorrow, everything's just fine...and I decided to send home all the left over chili to the station. There was tons! A number of the kids told me that they appreciated that especially as the 9/11 anniversary looms near...a little kindness goes a long way.